Three days, maybe four, I've been sulking. Thinking negative thoughts. I wonder if my meds are working correctly or if I need to have them adjusted again. I don't have the anger right now, that's a good thing. But I worry about my depression.
As soon as I get depressed enough, I start to cry and the thoughts in my head turn to anger. My depression triggers the feelings of losing control and I grow fearful of myself and of hurting others. My son senses the changes in me and I have to have someone near us in order for me not to be too strict and direct with him.
He's such a beautiful boy. He deserves a healthy father. Oh, how I've failed him. I cannot keep my shit together long enought to be whole. My doctors denied my release to return to work. I guess they would know better but I am confused and conflicted.
On the one hand, I want to return to work. On the other, I have to consider whether I am truly ready or not. I have been anxious for over a week thinking about my return and when asked directly whether I am ready to return to work, I hesitate to answer because I am not sure.
But I need to return. I feel like such a zero without my employment. I feel like such a bum. I just want to be healthy again. I just want to be a man and take care of my family.
Please, God, help me. I am so tired of this. I am so scared of myself and of my mind. Please give me courage and strength. My heart is breaking at the thought of my wife suffering in Mexico and me not able to go visit; my son senses that I am sick and he sings me songs and tells me jokes. He's only five. He deserves a father who is whole and can share happiness with him. He should not be the pillar that holds his father up. What kind of father lets his son hold him up?
I can't sleep but I am so tired. I cannot eat but I am hungry. I have a sob in my throat but I don't want to give into it for fear that my son will hear me and know how I am suffering and he will worry. he will worry about me. And then he will worry about everything else. I will not make him suffer this as I do. He must not be infected with this problem.
I wait for sleep. I wait for peace. I pray for courage and for strength.
4 comments on Days of Silence
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You may not like may aspects of yourself, but some things just are - and that's what makes you you. Depression and its vise-like grip disables us from seeing ourselves as the rest of the world does. Your son loves you; he doesn't see you as you see yourself. Your love for him shines through in your posts. Love is what makes a child thrive.
thank you for your words of encouragement and support. I have had a small set back and am in a bit despondent so I appreciate greatly your wisdom
You know what you have to do ,,, if you want eternal sleep and peace ............................................................................................